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Am having mid-semester break now hence I’m back at home.
It’s more like a rehab to me. A place for me to stay away from all the distraught thoughts.

And I’ve been doing nothing but reading some Mandarin novels, fanfictions and also… finished watching A:TLA & TLoK (hurray!).
There goes 4 days of my 1 week holiday. Sucks.

Am tying to spend more time with my parents but ended up spending more time with the computer (as usual).
The truth is, I dunno how to. This is just the way we are.
Dad – TV, mom – busy doing something, me – in my bedroom. Or perhaps I should come up with something – time for some family bonding?
Also, mom needs someone to talk to. I’m more a listener/responder than a chitty-chatty but hey, I’m trying.
The other night she told me,

“You know last night when we were talking, daddy counted.”

“He counted the days of us, together. When you were in high school you joined the band and you were at school most of your times. And after that you went to college, you stayed outside. Then you went to KL.”

“The days of you staying by our sides… they aren’t much.”

And then, I felt a tightness in my chest.

x Jess

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Raw.

So my parents have just came back from a little trip to Chiang Mai and my dad has been bombarding me with some photos of him and my mom.

Let’s face it. My mom forced him to send the photos.
“Let them see our photos, send them! Or post on web!”
By web she means Facebook.

And seeing the photos is like… receiving a wake up call.

…My parents are old now. Like, old old.
Funny how every time I think of them, I still picture them in the younger days.
Perhaps deep down I refuse to grow up. I’ll always be their little daughter, that hand needs to be held before crossing the road.

My dad used to be very, very fat so we kept urging him to lose some weight.
After a couple years of trying, now that he has lost his tummy and all, I’m starting to worry that is he losing too much weight?
Sometimes pictures show more than what you see in reality.

And my mom. God. Where should I even begin? She used to be so pretty and youthful. But the grey hair and the tired face shown on the photos made my cringe.

I dunno how to describe what I’m feeling right now. This… emotion. Sorrow, perhaps?
And the worst part is, I can do nothing about it. It’s beyond my power. Except for appreciating their presence more. And try not to think about it.

That one day I’ll have to cross the road without them holding my hands.
The two major pillars of my life. crumbling down.
What’s coming for me. And the days after.
I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for that. No man is programmed to be prepared for that.

Can we go back to that Saturday afternoon when I was 6?
Where 5 of us including my brothers were watching some western movie in my parents’ room.
Dad was sleeping, mom was ironing clothes, we were sititng on the floor…
Just 5 of us, inside a little room. As simple, as blissful as that.
… I’d trade anything in the world for that moment.

x Jess

The one that got away

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My senior yearbook (2008).

(Jeez! This post is like a therapy/self-confession session!)

Now that I’m older, I realised my social circle is getting smaller and I’m constantly thinking of friends that I’ve made and lost.

I’m never good at social – I dunno what you think of me, I may be a chatterbox (well, among my friends and people I’m familiar/comfortable with) but I am anything but outgoing.
Phone calls, the silent moment between conversations and making new friends make me nervous.
And I am never good in maintaining a friendship.

Sometimes when I see photos of my old friends hanging out together on Facebook, I feel like I want to be part of them but hey, we’re no longer close like we used to be.

I used to tell myself, “Those who are willing to stay, will stay.” But the truth is, I never pay much effort in maintaining a relationship and as a result, our friendships fade away. And now when I want to mend these broken things, how should I do that? Randomly text them and say, “Hey how are you doing? I’ve been thinking ’bout cha!” I don’t think so.

There was a girl, we were the classic BFF example – We were in the same society, we ate our breakfast & lunch together, we took the same bus etc; we were basically inseparable. She was quiet while I was chatty; she was the smart one whereas I was the least bright; she even brought everyone into sharing my 14th birthday present… But what happened? Why aren’t us friends anymore? … That got me thinking.

We never really had some heart to heart talk… Well I did, I was the expressive one but she was the kind that kept everything to herself (Or maybe I wasn’t the one she felt comfortable sharing secret with. Ok now I’m hurt). I’ve probably said alot of dumb shit and she might thought I was stupid wtf (now I’m embarrassed but mind you I was 13!). And maybe I was too hard to deal with or wasn’t thoughtful enough.

Well actually We still hung out even after we graduated from high school but not anymore since we started our pre-U studies. She had since found a new gang of BFF while I, being a sour grape, felt jealous of her/them and started talking behind her back with our old gang. Maybe things fell apart from here.

Now that I think of it, I was too naive to realise that it’s normal to have different friends in different circles. And that thinking “her new BFFs are cooler than us” are plain stupid. Maybe if I had not drift away first, we would still be friends right now.

No point crying over spilled milk. Maybe some day we’ll reconnect again. But the only solution right now is to hold on to the all the good ones I have now and avoid repeating the “good jobs” I’ve done in maintaining a friendship. But still, thanks to those who stayed, from the very beginning until now. And even though I’ve lost some, I’m so grateful that I still have you in my life. 9 years (or more!) and counting. I’m truly blessed.

 

 

x Jess

Growing up is no fun at all

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Just Something △ Gather Street △ Miam Miam △ Häagen-Dazs △ Pik Nik △ Mei Tip Thai Food

Meeting friends is my favourite part of the holiday besides spending quality time with my parents. However it is often very hard to have a good meet up since everyone is so busy with their lives and also due to the weird semester break arrangement since we are all from different university. Thankfully we had a Raya holiday on the beginning of August so everyone is back including a friend who is studying in the State (summer break, hee).

Meet up sessions had always been great; we talked about our pasts & our future (which nearly made us jizz our pants – really not looking forward to the uncertainties). I’m happy and sad at the same time – I’m glad that we are still friends and still have each others in mind, but sad because in spite of feeling everything is still the same, deep down you can’t help but feel that everything has changed.

Soon we’ll be talking about internship (already talking about that though), convocation (pfft, some of our old high school friends are already graduated), jobs, wedding, babies, diapers and whatnot.

Sigh, I wish I can rewind the time to 2007 sometimes.

x Jess

The official end of my semester 4.

I guess the burial of lecture notes underneath my study desk helped – saying goodbye and that we will not meet ever again assured my heart that I will pass this semester.

Results were released on Monday right before I got really sick and slept for 2 days consecutively. I got 2 friggin A- (& 1 A for Korean, my elective), 1st time in 2 years of studies. I was really really happy, but asked myself not to be cocky or too self-confidence and be sure to work extra hard for the coming semester at the same time.

Bummed that I have to go through the episode for 2 more semesters (but then studying is still better than working full time no matter how… according to some friends). The final exam was really hard for me. I did not do well for my midterms (and the only person I can blame is me) so I had to push myself real hard so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself further. Yes pride is my weakness (or the opposite) and it can either helps you or kills you. Bear in mind that I am really not a study person – Making it extra hard to memorise all those shits especially when they didn’t even make much sense to me. I wanted to give up, hide in a corner to sulk and pretend I don’t care but I can’t. I can’t forget the humiliating moment when I found out that I got the lowest mark of a subject midterm paper out of my class. I broke down cuz I couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore, I couldn’t sleep, I was angry at myself and the universe, I cried in my boyfriend’s arm… But I’m glad in the end it’s all worth it. Thanks to my friends and my boyfriend for supporting/motivating me endlessly and also the universe/god for answering my prayers, or law of attraction, don’t care it’s the same to me… I do believe religion exists for a reason no matter you believe in it or not, perhaps we’ll talk about it the other time.

A Sunday dream

Had a dream that I was in a public toilet, doing business no. 2 & there was a long queue after me so I decided to put a halt on my business and left. My brother showed up, told me he was looking for me everywhere and told me I should board the plane before the gate closed (at this point I realised I was in an airport the whole time). So I climbed lots of stairs and escalators, not knowing where to go, kept thinking “where the heck is that god damn gate and why the hell am I boarding a plane? Where am I going?!” (It’s a dream, after all) I heard people cheering my friend toward the highest floor downstairs, and I thought well let’s just keep climbing.

And I reached. A jumbo plane to the UK (And the funny thing is, this waiting lounge looked familiar). I kissed my dad and brother goodbye and went forward. Met my friends but they were already lining up and reaching the gate. The queue was too long so I decided to sit and wait.

And I met him. I sat right next to him, he did not recognise me. I whispered a thank you, not recognising him too. And then I woke up.
I should have say hi.

I have never dreamed of him before, this is a first.
Hi my old friend, what are you doing in an airport waiting lounge? How’s the heaven treating you? You did not age at all Danny.
I should have say hi.