Moonlight.

Nothing, nothing beats Debussy’s Clair de Lune.

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Raw.

So my parents have just came back from a little trip to Chiang Mai and my dad has been bombarding me with some photos of him and my mom.

Let’s face it. My mom forced him to send the photos.
“Let them see our photos, send them! Or post on web!”
By web she means Facebook.

And seeing the photos is like… receiving a wake up call.

…My parents are old now. Like, old old.
Funny how every time I think of them, I still picture them in the younger days.
Perhaps deep down I refuse to grow up. I’ll always be their little daughter, that hand needs to be held before crossing the road.

My dad used to be very, very fat so we kept urging him to lose some weight.
After a couple years of trying, now that he has lost his tummy and all, I’m starting to worry that is he losing too much weight?
Sometimes pictures show more than what you see in reality.

And my mom. God. Where should I even begin? She used to be so pretty and youthful. But the grey hair and the tired face shown on the photos made my cringe.

I dunno how to describe what I’m feeling right now. This… emotion. Sorrow, perhaps?
And the worst part is, I can do nothing about it. It’s beyond my power. Except for appreciating their presence more. And try not to think about it.

That one day I’ll have to cross the road without them holding my hands.
The two major pillars of my life. crumbling down.
What’s coming for me. And the days after.
I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for that. No man is programmed to be prepared for that.

Can we go back to that Saturday afternoon when I was 6?
Where 5 of us including my brothers were watching some western movie in my parents’ room.
Dad was sleeping, mom was ironing clothes, we were sititng on the floor…
Just 5 of us, inside a little room. As simple, as blissful as that.
… I’d trade anything in the world for that moment.

x Jess

Carpe diem.

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Bought this in Nagoya, Japan 2 years ago (woah, how time flies) on a chilly night.

Burst into Starbucks and had an awkward brief conversation with the barista, well given the fact that all I know how to speak is “マレーシアからです 日本語が話せません” (I come from Malaysia. I don’t speak Japanese). Damn the Japanese they speak so fast my brain can’t even think of a response to reply. All I could do was nod or respond by giving them an awkward smile. Bet I look like an idiot.

Anyway back to the topic. Funny how I bought a tumbler but I have never used it. Never, for the last 2 years. It’s just that every time when I want to use it, all I can think of is breaking it or dropping it etc. I’ve been this way for all my life. Bought a nice pencil box or eraser (yes I know, it’s just a freaking eraser), kept them in my drawer. Bags or clothes that held a special meaning or was given by someone special, locked ’em in the closet. Even food! Bought a cake from Japan and didn’t eat it not until the expiry date (I know. Don’t judge). Well you see the pattern.

I’m just afraid of losing things that are important to me, you know? Even a tiny dent or scratch flips my switch. I just can’t bear it (Jeez I sound like I have some serious issue). My mom saw it through me and she said, “When are you going to use it then? When you’re old? When you’re dead? … You can’t take it to your grave, you know.”

Ok this post is going no where. What I want to say is: live for the moment, or carpe diem. You’ll never know when’s your last day, so what’s worth of not living your life, or not being who you want until the last of your days?

I have no idea what brought up this thought. Maybe because that it’s been extremely stressful these few days, making me to think stuff that is always hidden beneath a part of my brain, or maybe because of this article.

Am I making the right choice? Am I doing what I want to do? Will my future self hate me for making this choice? What will she say? Will my parents be proud of me? I’ve been asking myself lately. And sometimes the future scares me. I know everyone has the same thought and they have also been constantly questioning themselves throughout their entire lives. Maybe it’s a part of being an adult, or maybe it’s just how society has shaped us.

… Enough of the dark thought! Hakuna matata! Why worry about tomorrow when you know everything will work out just well, and the problems will be solved by the universe? Yup that’s kinda my law of attraction.

Again, this is going nowhere. Best if I hit the sack now cuz my brain is frying up. Until the next time, right when I’ve finished all my tasks. Sad story of a lifeless 3rd year student.

x Jess

The one that got away

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My senior yearbook (2008).

(Jeez! This post is like a therapy/self-confession session!)

Now that I’m older, I realised my social circle is getting smaller and I’m constantly thinking of friends that I’ve made and lost.

I’m never good at social – I dunno what you think of me, I may be a chatterbox (well, among my friends and people I’m familiar/comfortable with) but I am anything but outgoing.
Phone calls, the silent moment between conversations and making new friends make me nervous.
And I am never good in maintaining a friendship.

Sometimes when I see photos of my old friends hanging out together on Facebook, I feel like I want to be part of them but hey, we’re no longer close like we used to be.

I used to tell myself, “Those who are willing to stay, will stay.” But the truth is, I never pay much effort in maintaining a relationship and as a result, our friendships fade away. And now when I want to mend these broken things, how should I do that? Randomly text them and say, “Hey how are you doing? I’ve been thinking ’bout cha!” I don’t think so.

There was a girl, we were the classic BFF example – We were in the same society, we ate our breakfast & lunch together, we took the same bus etc; we were basically inseparable. She was quiet while I was chatty; she was the smart one whereas I was the least bright; she even brought everyone into sharing my 14th birthday present… But what happened? Why aren’t us friends anymore? … That got me thinking.

We never really had some heart to heart talk… Well I did, I was the expressive one but she was the kind that kept everything to herself (Or maybe I wasn’t the one she felt comfortable sharing secret with. Ok now I’m hurt). I’ve probably said alot of dumb shit and she might thought I was stupid wtf (now I’m embarrassed but mind you I was 13!). And maybe I was too hard to deal with or wasn’t thoughtful enough.

Well actually We still hung out even after we graduated from high school but not anymore since we started our pre-U studies. She had since found a new gang of BFF while I, being a sour grape, felt jealous of her/them and started talking behind her back with our old gang. Maybe things fell apart from here.

Now that I think of it, I was too naive to realise that it’s normal to have different friends in different circles. And that thinking “her new BFFs are cooler than us” are plain stupid. Maybe if I had not drift away first, we would still be friends right now.

No point crying over spilled milk. Maybe some day we’ll reconnect again. But the only solution right now is to hold on to the all the good ones I have now and avoid repeating the “good jobs” I’ve done in maintaining a friendship. But still, thanks to those who stayed, from the very beginning until now. And even though I’ve lost some, I’m so grateful that I still have you in my life. 9 years (or more!) and counting. I’m truly blessed.

 

 

x Jess

My glucose they be poppin’

Guess what. It’s finger pricking day.

It wasn’t my first finger pricking and this lab session was fun… Until you were poked more than 3 times on the same finger. The needles didn’t get deep enough a few times wtf.

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And also, my total cholesterol level & triglyceride (TG) level were “borderline high” wtf fml.
Amazingly my glucose level was normal even though I had a banana 1 hour before the test.

I can’t imagine what is my cholesterol level if I did not eat oat & whole grain cereal as I do now (3 weeks and counting).
I guess it’s time to suck it up and hit the gym for some cardio no matter how reluctant I am.
I’ve been wanting to start eating clean but it’s so hard! (I know I know, finding excuse for myself)

First of all, I have no idea how to cook a “clean” meal Yes I get the concept, but the recipe..? They’re so complex! (excuse detected) Why isn’t there a “clean” meal that only requires 5 minutes for preparation? (MORE EXCUSE!) And not to forget cooking for one is so hard. You have the pressure constantly to finish all the fresh food before it is spoiled (endless excuse). Like my banana. That I bought on Monday & turned black on Thurs & Fri (CAN ANYONE TEACH ME HOW TO LET THEM STAY FRESH?!).

So yea. At least eating whole grain cereal is the first baby step. Right? Right?
Hitting the gym next week. Zumba please have mercy on me.

x Jess

My sister-in-law has just came back from Korea & guess what she bought me!

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Pomegranate Princess 석류 공주 (5호)

“I’d buy you facial masks but judging from the pile of masks you & Ma put inside the fridge that I bought for you the last time I assume that this might be a better souvenir.” – My sister-in-law.

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Isn’t it the cutest thing ever?!
According to my sister-in-law, the old princess gloss was shorter and more petit. When she saw this she told the poor Korean sales girl that she wanted the small one but the girl insisted that there isn’t a “small one”.

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Swatch under fluorescent light.

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I am not a lip gloss fan as they make me looks like I have a layer of oil on my lips. If I want my lips to shine I usually coat a layer of Vaseline on my lipstick-coloured lips.

But Pomegranate Princess is not your usual lip gloss, she smells good (but not until the point that it irritates you) & the colour is simply gorgeous. This has became my daily application too.

Oh well, credits go to Tony Moly & my sister-in-law. Sorry masks, next time perhaps.